How do i feel having many children?

To be honest: scared. 

Why am i scared? 

- i don't know if i can handle them.

- i dont know if i can treat them well.

- i dont know if i can be a good parent.

and at the bottom of that all, i don't quite like children. Surprise with my confession? Hmmm..i am just being honest. Honest to myself, honest to people around me. My husband loves children however.

then Allah gives me 7 great children. and i fell in love will all of them...my children, my sweethearts.

when i had my first one...Fatin, well...she was born big at 3.5 kg. She was very fair...she was the biggest baby i saw in the ward. And with no experience handling a baby, i pretty well handled her...and she turned out to be a fine young lady now.

then came Fatihah, the second one. We thought she was going to be a boy. When she was born, she had wrinkled skin, maybe because she was born later than her due date. After a week, her skin smoothened and she grew nicely. She learnt fast. And she knew how to avoid being scolded, unlike Fatin.

when i was pregnant with the third one, i was scared. hopelessly scared because really, i didn't feel i can handle more than two. but then, the pregnancy progressed well. and later, Izzati was born weighing 3.85kg. She was vacuumed out since she was big baby. and she was hard-headed, stubborn. She was different in a way. When she cried, she did't being coaxed to be quiet with sweet words. So both husband and i just left her alone until she felt tired and stopped crying on her own. She was like a chinese baby, straight hair, very fair skin. She still has her hair straight and she let her hair loose all the time now. Another beautiful child of mine.

then came Danish after about a year later. the long-awaited baby boy. when he was born, i thought, how handsome is my baby boy. he behaved well as a baby. and i was  proud of him. Now he is a 14 years old boy, who has started to lose his childlike voice and slowly evolves into a teenager with his own taste of clothing. when did he started to grow like this?

Israk Afiq was hoped to be my last. he was a huge baby. amazingly, he was easily delivered. when he was a baby, i remembered feeding him with a mix of pus and milk. that was awful really. i didn't know i fed him that until i pressed my own milk because of terrible breast engorgement, and there, a lot of pus being pressed out of my painful breasts. honestly, that wasn't a beautiful experience. it was scary. alhamdulillah, isyrak is now a healthy boy of aged 11.

when i was pronounced of being pregnant again with my 6th one, i no longer care if i could handle children or not. i just did with five so what is one more? Husna was born a week earlier than her due date. cute little baby she was. straight hair just like izzati. pixie-like. she was a spitting image of fatin. unlike fatin, husna is a stubborn girl. attention gathering girl. i was a stubborn girl, yes..i was..even until now...but never an attention-gathering girl nor woman. and i thought, okay...i have six, enough number in the family...

however, kamalia was formed just when i was ready to quit from pregnancy and wanted my figure back. I was disappointed to be pregnant again. awful feeling right? but that was what i felt at the time. i wanted to abort her. i didn't want another baby. but i went through with the pregnancy. she grew well. and she made me experienced delivery during fasting month. and she had round-neck cord...and she wasn't easy to be delivered. i was weak. i was fasting. did'nt eat anything until 2 hours after iftar. and everyone thought she will be delivered easily and earlier. but no...she was delivered exactly 5 minutes past midnight when i had been rolled into labour room at 6 pm. i was thankful the gynaecologist detected kamalia's inability to descend towards the delivery pathway. so kamalia was aided out by vacuum. a baby who was very quiet when she was born. needed to spanked hard by the doctor to cause her to cry her heart out. she was almost blue. and when she cried, it was very good to hear. and believe me...she was the only baby i kissed immediately after delivery. 

and so...i have delivered 7 beautiful babies. all with different delivery experience. all were healthy babies. all were balms to sore eyes. 

and so...how do i feel having many children? wonderful...wonderful experience...still scary because 

- i don't know if i have been a good mother to them so far

- if i have given them enough love

- if they are happy to have me as their mother

and at the bottom of all this, i am still scared because i am not sure if i would be able to witness each of them turn out as responsible, successful, happy adult - the product of good childhood.